Several years ago, after pulling myself out of the insanity of divorce, I re-claimed my sanity by intentionally choosing a path forward.
My first choice had to do with transforming my physical being.
This choice was successful and had the unintended consequences of all choice.
You may read about the transformational journey of my physical body in Failure and the Sexy Red Dress.
Following on that motion was a choice to move beyond my single status into the world of online dating.
Before I was married, I lived in a dark age without the likes of Match.com or OKCupid simply because the World Wide Web didn’t yet exist.
I had to spend some time learning the culture and the lingo in order to navigate this new-for-me dating arena.
After twelve months or so of some amazing experiences, I wrote about my journey because through the unintended consequences of online dating I learned some interesting things about myself which I am still exploring and pondering.
My number one awareness:
Who I am spiritually is integrated with who I am sexually.
Maybe it’s because I’ve spent much of my last thirty years, exploring and creating and understanding who I am in the midst of my spiritual journey.
However, this journey is my life, and thus, it stands to reason that any experience I have will be part of my spiritual being.
It’s just that my inner direction of “start dating” didn’t, at first, sound spiritual.
But then, my journey to my sexy red dress didn’t at first seem spiritual either.
Yet the experience of dating brought to me a deeper awareness of my spiritual side while I processed my experience through the entire lens of my life which includes the spiritual as well as the physical, emotional, and mental.
The following piece is something I wrote back then and describes the beginning of my awareness of sacred relationship. In simple terms, sacred relationship engages all levels of being, body, mind, heart, and soul.
When sacred relationship is held within the romantic, sex and all forms of touch as connection are part of the expression on all levels.
Though, for me, touch is not limited to the romantic relationship.
Experienced in this way, sacred relationship brings me into the awareness of my connection and my expression of the divine.
Me as divine.
As I think back on the last twelve months of my life, I am struck by what has emerged within me.
I am me, the me which has been since the day I was born.
And from my now eyes I see, even feel, myself over the years fading in and out.
The fade outs were times when I felt lost or unaware of the turmoil or denial within.
The fade ins, really the shining forth moments, were times when I felt truly alive, balanced, happy, able to attend to challenge, able to face uncertainty with equanimity.
The last year has definitely been a year of shiny emergence at a level which is different than ever before.
I spent my twenties learning to be an individual in the world.
I spent my thirties figuring out how to be wife and mother.
In my forties, I spent most of my time learning who I am as a spiritual being.
And thus far in my fifties, I am coming back to myself physically, allowing the athlete in me to emerge for the first time in my life.
In this context, I see the last year as a time of integration across all levels physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual which has happened within a deep process I call Goddess Emergence.
Let me explain.
When men meet women and women meet men, especially in the social context of dating, there is one unavoidable topic: sex.
No matter what is or isn’t said, sex is that activity which is danced around in a variety of ways from pathetic to lurid, from humorous to ignorant, from casual to serious.
Whether I pretend to think otherwise, on every date I have had in the last year, I was being evaluated as a potential bedroom partner.
And in all honesty, I was making the same evaluation of him.
Did he turn me on? What would his lips feel like?
Would he, could he be the kind of lover I wanted?
Of course, I thought this.
I want a relationship with a man which functions and evolves on all levels, spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical.
I don’t want one-sided or almost there.
I want it all and I want the relationship to be integrated – meaning I want all levels to work together, to create an experience greater than the sum of all of our parts.
As I have mentioned already, each man I have met and interacted with over the last year has taught me something very important about myself.
I have learned, I have thought, I have struggled,
I have challenged and been challenged.
I am not the same person of a year ago because I have allowed this process of dating to be deep, penetrating, illuminating, and focused.
While these guys have had their own experiences and learnings, for me the process has been about me, for me.
For me masculine energy calls up the earthy and the sublime, the physical and the spiritual.
I revel in the attention.
I bask in the strength.
I love the touch only a man can give me because there is something inherently other than me-as-feminine in him, is him.
I seek a Him because in his reflection I see me.
Not because there is anything missing in me.
More like a light refracting through a prism, my white light shining through him reveals the rainbow that is me.
And he is taken by my rainbow and his light refracted through me becomes his rainbow which is him, unveiled to him.
In the coming together of me and my partner, we each have a chance to know self and know other.
And I believe when two people do this with conscious intention across all levels of thought, emotion and belief, engaging all dimensions of self, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, the relationship rests within the sacred.
Our bodies and our souls are fully connected with the sense of divinity inherent in all manifest existence.
My soul touches his and his touches mine.
We create with each other sacred relationship.
When I allow myself the opportunity to connect with my Him with the best of me engaged across the entire energetic continuum of self, I allow the inherent divine spark that is me to emerge and express and connect.
As the feminine expression of the divine in this way and in this moment, I am, I live, I offer me as Goddess.
In seeking to live from the best of myself, open and integrated across all levels, I experience in sacred relationship Goddess Emergence.
I am the feminine aspect of the divine made manifest.
I emerge as the Goddess for me, for him, for us. On the altar of sacred relationship, the Goddess calls forth her hunter, her consort, her Horned God.
For all of these are aspects of the divine masculine.
My Him is both individual, unique, divine expression and loving reflection of his divine feminine as embodied by me, his Goddess.
Each man I have met this year has knocked a hole in my shell, singed away a layer of my onion, peeled off the detritus of all my previous fadings.
I have taken a hammer to my own shell, knocking off bits here and there, mending cracks, shoring foundations, re-building resilience, re-storing core strength.
And in this process, I have allowed my Goddess not only to be, but lead in search of sacred relationship.
In the safe harbor that is me, I am Goddess emerging.
I grew up with the image that if I kissed enough frogs, I would find my Prince Charming.
Instead, what I have found in this last year is if I kiss frogs, I find myself. I find me as Goddess emerging.
The fun of dating transformed me into a seeker of sacred relationship requiring I begin with myself, that I experience this journey within myself first and foremost.
When the journey goes inward, I feel the need, the desire, the dream to understand myself, to let go of that which no longer serves, and to be present to myself entirely and completely.
My journey is not the destination. My journey is the experience in this moment of me, for me.
This allows the best of me to move forward, to lead, to engage, to connect.
In allowing this inward dynamic to lead and guide, I am I, AND I am connected to, part of, the greater whole.
I am not alone or separated or set aside. As Goddess I am alive, inspired, connected to All That Is.
My Goddess is this connection with the divine. My Goddess is my willingness to live my life as sacred, as safe harbor.
As Goddess I am the active creator of my beautiful, wonderful life.
And as Goddess sacred relationship becomes my desire to share connection with other across the entire continuum of self, physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual.
In a search for dates, I am focused outward on Prince Charming.
In a search for sacred relationship, surprisingly first I find myself and then and only then can I trust my Beloved and I will find each other.
I shine my bat signal to the skies and heavens above trusting he will find me.
I focus on me, on my learning, my experience, my happiness in trust that my wonderful, glorious life will always be the journey of trust and truth and love for me.
Whether he is frog or Prince, we will meet.
I am ready.
I am Goddess emerging.
I stand in my yoga studio, looking at myself in the mirror.
Really looking at ME.
Two years ago, I never looked at myself in a mirror. Now, in nothing more than shorts and a sports bra, I look, and I see.
I am transformed.
I have emerged.
I dare myself to judge self, to criticize, to demean.
And I cannot.
In this search for partner, I have inadvertently found me.
And the most sacred of relationships has formed: me with ME. Each yoga practice, I set one intention: release.
Looking at myself, I want that I let go of anything which interferes, contradicts, or distracts from my relationship with myself.
Each pose in the studio brings me to me and gently encourages me to release that which no longer serves.
Each reach to stand tall, to grasp toes, to bend back, to stretch forward is a movement into me, for me, strengthening my connection with me, with my mind, my heart and my soul.
Each practice allows me the opportunity and the challenge to pour myself into me and receive me as part of self.
Each pose allows release so that not only in the studio but in all parts of my life, I may open, allow and receive.
The motion of my body reflects the motion of my heart and my soul.
So above, so below.
In the motion of my body, I reflect for myself me as rainbow of possibility, as eternal exquisite butterfly, as wearer of sexy red dress, as Goddess emerging.
In the motion I also feel the stillness of balance, of alignment of my mind, my body, my heart and my soul.
At the center of my is-ness, my heart releases all that has been built up in defense and in denial.
As I breathe in, the stillness settles me, and I release ALL, especially the pain of broken relationship with myself and other.
And in that moment of deep release, I bind myself, I fill myself with the best of me – which is all of me.
I release from my heart the blocks to all of me.
It matters not in this moment the status of relationship with Him because in this moment, I finally understand that my sacred relationship with me is my foundation, my home, my safe harbor.
In the rainbow of light which is me I see me in all of my sexy red dresses and know it is not just one dress but many which fulfill my dream.
Each dress reflects an important and unique aspect of me. And the rainbows of every tomorrow are held within my light now, infinitely and eternally.
I am butterfly fully emerged ready for all the cycles of growth, transformation, and emergence to come.
I feel the light of who I am shining, blazing, warming.
I feel the music that is me both trill and beat and hum. Gone is the flatness of self-denial and the one note of self-loathing.
Me as exquisite jazz piano, as powerful classical orchestra, and as awesome, up-tempo folk band is openly and lovingly displayed.
And in the powerful vision of all of me I do feel Him.
I release all prior thoughts, all previous visions, all beliefs of who he should be.
And just as I see myself, I feel him and know he is not one note, no more than I am.
He feels as trumpet to my piano, ensemble to my orchestra, soloist to my band.
My heart releases all pent-up emotion, all failed desire, all mistaken notion.
In finding self I am now ready to open, allow, receive him and me just as we are: two beautiful, powerful, wonderful notes willing to play together.
Sacred Sexuality is Sacred Hot – that ability to entwine the sensual and the spiritual within relationship.
For more articles exploring the celestial and the intimate check out more articles in this section of my website: Sacred Sexuality.